Seriously -- I'm Just F-ing Fine

So I've been trying not to bitch too much about my health issues -- because really, is there anything more boring than that? But I went to a BBQ on Saturday and it wore me out so much that on Sunday I was barely able to move. Also, I decided to stop taking the painkillers because I was starting to enjoy them a little too much and now I feel like shit. Plus, I started physical therapy and I've been doing exercises to get my strength back but I still get tired just walking around the block. Plus, I'm not supposed to bend over at all so I've been bending at the knees to pick things up or put things on the floor (like the dog's food dish) and now my f-ing legs are killing me. And, just for kicks, my left leg has started going numb on me if I stand for too long ... which is what was happening to my right leg before the surgery. And I don't even want to think about what that might mean.

It's not even so much the pain or the nausea or the fatigue or the crabbiness that bothers me. I can deal with all that. It's the feeling that I can't make my body do what I want it to do, like it has completely given up on me, abandoned me. I feel betrayed and angry and helpless and out of control and depressed. And yet, when people ask me how I'm doing, I say "fine." Because I'm sick and tired of admitting the truth--that I'm not doing fine at all.
.