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"The Biggest Loser" update for Audrey

Here's what you missed:

5 minutes of repeating the end of last week's show, where it was revealed that this week the yellow team would compete against all of the other teams. 20 minutes of discussion about how this week the yellow team would compete against all of the other teams.

Yellow team: Oh my God what will we do?
Gray team: Oh my God I wonder what they'll do?
Blue team: Oh my God I wonder what they'll do?
Pink team: Oh my God I wonder what they'll do?
Purple team: Oh my God I wonder what they'll do?
Orange team: We hate the black team.
Black team: If yellow wins we're screwed.

*commercial break*

5 minutes of recapping what happened before the commercial break.

Yellow team dude prances around in some kind of Asian military suit, poses like a model for Trainer Jillian and looks at her creepily. Yellow team gets to choose between a luxury item, a family item, and a gameplay item.

Yellow chick: Screw the family; I want the luxury item!
Yellow dude: There is no luxury here.
Yellow chick: But it could be 600 thread count sheets!

After debating the merits of 600 thread count sheets versus the possibility of seeing their family versus not getting sent home this week, they end up choosing the gameplay option and win two pounds.

*commercial break*

5 minutes recapping what happened before the commercial break

Reward challenge. Yellow team wins against all of the other teams. The prize is, sadly, not 600 thread count sheets but letters from home. The yellow team, continuing the theme of "screw this family crap" decides to kiss some ass and let the other teams have the letters instead. Clearly, this is a big sacrifice for them, considering how much they seem to like their family.

20 minutes of reading boring letters from home, showing boring pictures of family members, and weeping.

Gray team: Oh my God I miss my family!
Blue team: Oh my God I miss my family!
Pink team: Oh my God I miss my family!
Purple team: Oh my God I miss my family!
Black team: Oh my God I miss my family!
Yellow team: *crickets chirping*
Orange team: We hate the black team.

*commercial break*

5 minutes recapping what happened before the commercial break.

Some of the teams discuss the idea that they could chug water before the weigh-in to help the yellow team win, knowing they'll probably vote off the black team.

Black team: If the yellow team wins, we're screwed.

Trainer Bob, sensitive as he is, suspects there is some game play going on, and lets his group know that if they chug water to skew their numbers, he will be very, very dissappointed in them.

The purple team and orange team look guilty; Maybe they will not chug the water after all ...


*commercial break*

5 minutes recapping what happened before the commercial break.

The soap opera host chick (who is NO MATCH for the woman who played the aunt on Sabrina The Teenage Witch even if she was a tiny little bit overweight) announces that the team with the best weight loss will get immunity.

Black team: Maybe we're not screwed after all!

The weigh-in begins.

An eternity passes.

The soap opera host chick says at least 8 more times that the team with the highest percentage of weight loss will get immunity.

The teams weigh in, throwing up numbers in the 10-25 range. The purple team and the yellow team lose tiny amounts of weight. They pretend to be very sad. Trainer Bob shakes his head. He is very, very disappointed. This despite the fact that the show reportedly encourages contestants not to drink water before the weigh-in, because you get more dramatic results when you are totally dehydrated.

During the weigh-ins, there are at least one million commercial breaks. After every one, there is a recap of what happened just before the commercial break.

The water chuggers propel the yellow team to victory. The yellow team dude rushes off the giant scales toward Trainer Jillian, who looks a little afraid. He embraces her up in what at first seems to be an innocent hug, but soon turns creepy. The yellow team dude picks up Jillian, looks around as if he thinks he'll spot the Empire State Building and climb to the top so he can have her for his very own, and then carries her to the giant scale.

In case you missed the first 8 explanations, Soap Opera Host Chick explains that the team with the biggest weight loss that week will win immunity. The black team wins immunity.

Black team: Suckas!
Yellow team: Oh my God what will we do?
Gray team: Oh my God what will they do?
Blue team: Oh my God what will they do?
Purple team: Oh my God what will they do?
Orange team: We hate the black team.
Pink team: We are so screwed.

*commercial break*

5 minutes recapping what happened before the commercial break.

10 minutes showing the teams marching into the voting room.

10 minutes of the yellow team crying.

Pink team: Just shut up already and vote us off.

Yellow team cries some more.

Pink team: Seriously, just shut up and vote us off.

The yellow team votes off ...

....


.....


Surprise ...


The pink team!


*commercial break*

5 minutes recapping what happened before the commercial break.

The pink team cries but promises to continue to lose weight at home. (Actually, the daughter part of the team looks pretty good in the update ... Mom, not so much.)

The end.

Seriously, folks, that is some good television. Who needs writers when you can watch this crap?

2 comments:

Audrey May said...

That was great. I think the best part was the black team: suckas!

I can't say I'm sad to see the pink team go, I'm not a fan of the mom and her hairdon't.'

I should just stop watching TV and have you do recaps of every show. Far more enjoyable.

Gienna said...

Thanks God for Tivo ... I fast forward through a lot of the crying and the weigh-ins with those digital scales that are so fancy but somehow take five minutes to register the correct weight.