The bark collar bites

So I think I might have mentioned a few times that the dog barks. A lot. I took her with me to Jesse and Audrey's wedding--the hotel had dog-friendly rooms--and she barked every time I left the room and didn't stop barking 'till I returned. There are rumours that the hotel paged me at one point. "Gienna Writes: Please return to your room and stop that #&*%!@ dog from barking before we all go $%#*&^@ insane."

Or something to that effect.

I've been putting off getting the bark collar for a long time. Zapping an animal with electricity for doing what comes naturally seems so mean. OK, it's static electricity, like you get if you walk across a wool rug in your socks and touch your finger to someone's nose. So maybe it's not exactly mean. But I don't think it's nice, either.

The final straw was getting dragged out of the bar at the hotel by my uncle Richard, who was trying to sleep in the room across the hall but came to get me after two solid hours of barking. Nothing comes between me and my wine. I finally broke down and ordered the bark collar.

Since it arrived, the dog has never been so well-behaved ... But it has nothing to do with the bark collar.

The minute I put the thing on her she curled up in a ball and went to sleep. This was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. She didn't bark all day. Not once. And Sunday morning she was trotting around the house, playing with her toys, wagging her tail, licking my hand, and basically being adorable. Not one bark passed her little doggy lips.

Well, you buy a $50 bark collar you want to know if it's going to work, right? So, I go outside, shut the door, and knock. Sure enough, the dog starts barking. I'm peeping through the doorway and as far as I can tell, absolutely nothing is happening. I come in, re-read the directions, adjust the collar, and try again. Nothing.

Here's how the collar is supposed to work. At the first bark, the collar beeps and emits a low-level warning zap. If the dog barks again, the static charge gets a little stronger and continues to get stronger the more the dog barks, though it resets itself if the dog barks a certain number of times within 30 seconds. I didn't hear any beep, so I wasn't sure if the collar was working. So I take the collar off the dog and test it on myself to see what will happen.

What happens is I get electrocuted.

OK, not electrocuted, since I'm obviously alive enough to be writing this. But holy crap that was a good little sting. Shocked the hell out of me. And while I'm performing my stupid human trick, the dog noses under the blanket on the couch, snuggles up into a ball, and closes her eyes. And as she fell quietly asleep, I'm pretty sure I saw her lips curl up into a very self-satisfied smirk.